Man Who Won’t Watch Women’s Sports Deeply Concerned About Trans Athletes Breaking Records

He is truly concerned about a very serious problem facing America.

GLADSTONE, MO — Local sports fan Coby Eiling loudly applauded the advancing wave of legislation across the country banning trans athletes from participating in girls’ and women’s sports, which he steadfastly refuses to watch because he isn’t a goddamn pussy.

“Women’s sports are important,” Eiling said, who earlier this month commented “she should shut up and get back in the kitchen” under a video of Candace Parker explaining modern NBA offenses to Shaquille O’Neal. “And I think it’s important that we preserve the sanctity of competition; people with unfair advantages shouldn’t be rewarded,” added Eiling, who considers it bullshit that MLB players suspected of using performance enhancing drugs have not been voted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame yet.

When asked to name a single transfeminine athlete with a supposed advantage over her cisgender competitors, Eiling thought for a full two minutes before snapping his fingers and excitedly naming “that one from South Africa” — presumably referring to track-and-field athlete Caster Semenya, who is not trans. Eiling swiftly changed the subject when this was pointed out to him.

“I mean, look at the record books!” exclaimed Eiling, gesturing wildly, yet nowhere in particular. “Records are getting shattered everywhere all of a sudden, just because we’re trying to be politically correct.” When asked to specify which records held by which women in which sports were being shattered, Eiling demurred, saying, “I don’t know which ones, but I just know that it’s happening.”

“Think about how much stronger men are than women,” Eiling said, who recently swiped left on local shopkeeper Sandrine Little on Tinder after seeing that she was a powerlifter in her second picture. “You put a guy up against a girl, and she might get seriously hurt; nobody wants that,” said Eiling, who in 2016 briefly considered boycotting the NFL after a failed casino owner publicly whined about how concussion protocols were making the game soft.

Eiling scoffed at the suggestion that stopping trans girls and women from playing sports without conclusive evidence that they enjoyed an innate advantage needlessly robbed them of a baseline ritual of American socialization and was, much like “bathroom bills” and the former president’s ban on military service, a pointlessly dehumanizing solution in search of a problem, given that no trans woman has ever qualified to compete in the Olympics and only one out of 4,000 NCAA athletes in women’s sports identifies as trans.

“It’s just sports. They can find something else to do, it’s not that big of a deal,” Eiling responded, who last month broke his television by hitting it with the remote after Patrick Mahomes’ second interception in Super Bowl LV.

“I mean, it’s just not fair. I’m a feminist,” Eiling said, lying. “But facts are facts; men are just better at sports than women,” concluded the man who memorably flipped over a table in college after losing to Samantha Yi during the quarterfinals of the biannual Kappa Epsilon Nu beer-pong tournament.

When asked for a follow-up quote before press time, Eiling declined, citing a pressing need to angrily record a YouTube video about how woke mobs had made Lola Bunny less fuckable in the new Space Jam movie.

Writer. Nerd. Shithole-American. A monster of many words trying to be a man of all of them.

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